sorry for my latest absence. I don;t really know what to right here (and will anybody read it), but I'm gonna do this anyway.
As I mentioned in one of my last journals (there aren't so many of them, y'know) I had hard time this year in my family. I can even say this year (2013) was the worst year of my entire life. Yet there are moments, that I can consider best at all, but... honestly, there was a time not-so-long-ago, when I couldn't bring any joy to myself and I still think, that: even If there were moments that were wonderful, these little and big things that just made me happy for a moment, the amount of bad things overgrows them so much I just can't think of a thing called "happiness". People say "There's always sun after the rain". That adage become reversed to me.
Becouse when I flowed with happiness of those single moments, the hope was coming back. I felt like I can do anything, I can make things better, like the old times, or even mor than that. And after..... the things were just the way they were before - screaming, crying, the neverending nightmare of living every day, lonelinss, feeling like I'm not important to anyone at all. The hope was gone. And I know no feeling that can be more depressive that that.
The conclusion was simple; do not cheer. Do not feel the happiness. If you don't, you won't feel the disappointment. No pain, no love. But what's the diffrence...?
I won't describe strict what have I been through, becouse how people feel about a situation depends on them only. What is a piece of cake for someone can be the immense difficulty for somebody else. There's no "right measure" for how much people can suffer for a situation. And I won't humiliate myself in front of those who went through more.
Since May my parents are "officially" divorcing. I say that, becouse I can't even remember If they ever act like they love themselves and be happy with each other, I was too little. The final divorce act didn't happen, so.... or maybe but, my home was like a melting pot or something. I hate being in my house. I hate the sounds of television, separating all the time, the silence of people who have nothing to say to each other. My mother is a silent person who prefers books and TV than children, my father was wonderful until he ran into the habit, and my sister.... I never liked her, but I loved. Now I can't. No on believes that I can hate my own sibling so much I wouldn't love her at all, but that's the truth - the balance of good and bad is in minus. She's the devil.
Over a month ago my comradeship (I can't call it "friendship", it's too big word) has fallen too. I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I'm just a victim. Becouse I'm not one with the problem, I'm the one who's suffering. The suffering artist. I liked my school becouse, though I didn't have friends there (just mates and pales, y'know), I could feel great hanging with theme an having my own place, own people.... Few months ago our group collapsed (not becouse of me...) an later, the person whom I naturally camed to stay with, rejected me (not my fault.....).... I'm just wondering what is happening.
And there comes philosophy. Maybe it's a part of a plan. Teach the spoilt girl her lesson. Maybe I deserved, maybe I didn't, this doesn't matter right now. The thing is; everything is ruining, burning down. Two years later I was alone for my own choice and I felt great. You know, and independent artist, outsider.... None of this exists right now. I don't want to be lonely. But I can't do anything.
Two weeks ago there was an apogeum of my psychological durability. When my dad saw me in that moment, he sudden shouted "NOW IT ALL BE ALLRIGHT, I WILL CURE MYSELF". I didn't believe him, I didn't want to. I just wanted to end this all. Them to divorce, me to live with my grandparents, the place which I consider home actually. But he did. He didn't take his poison for... 9 days? something around that. For me, it was like a gleam of heaven or something. I felt happy.
Now.... things are better than they were anytime. In my home. However dad still poisons himself, he doesn't go so far with it, so I'm glad. Maybe his on the right path.... But I don't won't to have my hope back. I want to live the moment.
But i can't forget the past. I can't. I can't. I can't forget the good times. I'm a 15 years old conservative who's stuck in the past and doesn't want any reality in front of her.
I'm not a lonely person. I have my wonderful best friends, however they live in other cities and the closest one can see me max. two times a week. That's not a true life, living from weekend to weekend, from school pause to pause.
About the art.... I couldn't, or maybe I still can't mobilize myself to submit any pictures. There was a time (month ago) when I could't draw anything, not an artblock stricte, but something like that. And now i'm drawing, however these are mostly my OCs drawings (sketches) which I want to wait with submit. However, I'm planning to post a long sketches compilation with a pair of them (the main pair I guess) becouse I feel like drawing some romantic poses. I hope you'll like it and share your opinion
I'd like also to submit some photos from my holidays (from now and past years) becouse people say they're great and I'd like to know your opinion
APH Eyes series.... duh I'm so unactive in the fandom I'm abhoring myself ueeeeh xD ...... I'll go for Hungary next. This weekend maybe?
If you reached this part of the journal, I would like to thank you, dear reader :3 You make me feel that maybe... maybe I'm a living being, not a ghost
I have my own "golden mean theory" in which everything would be great and perfect if we would find the golden mean. It's not this simple and stupid as it sounds
I can;t find my own mean when I'm trying to draw for myself, draw for the fandom and dA, hang out with my friends, reply to internet friends, excercise myself, get a good marks and spend time with family.... and lycee an future life choices are coming >.<
Have a nice day/night/whatever hour you have. Remember, this world is wonderful. And you're wonderful too. Hope your weather is just like you'd like it to be
*-12'C degrees here*